How do you like the new look? It’s still a free theme, but one where I could make a few more modifications than before. I’m a fan. Sometimes it takes a visible change to jump-start a new beginning. Which I’ve been needing badly.
I’ve been guiltily avoiding writing for the last month. I just haven’t felt like it. The inner debate that goes on daily always goes something like this:
Motivated Me: You should write something tonight! You enjoy it! You said you would. And it’s been almost a month.
Tired me: Shut up. I’m too tired to write. And there’s nothing to write about. And I’ll be ignoring my husband. And my eyes hurt. And I’m boring anyway. And I’m SO STRESSED OUT. What’s the point? I’m going to go make dinner.
Motivated me: …ok. You win.
That’s pretty much what’s been going down.
The fact of the matter is, my reluctance to write is just a symptom of a much bigger dragon that I’ve been battling this month: the loss of a sense of hope. We got some tough news relating to our infertility earlier this month (more, more permanent roadblocks, but thankfully nothing that makes it impossible,) and hearing the news just sucked the hope right out of me. Which I know doesn’t make any sense because as I just said, it’s not impossible. We DO still have hope. My husband reminds me of this fact constantly, trooper that he is. He hears news like this and all he hears is, “There’s still hope.” I thank God that his heart is so hopeful.
Oddly enough, I’ve been so very, very hopeful (still heart-broken, but hopeful) through this entire process, until I got that particular batch of news. And I sort of already knew it was coming. But hearing that our chances are officially down a solid 50% was…impossibly hard.
I’ve been struggling for weeks, searching for that familiar feeling of hope, praying that Our Lord would find it and return it to me. I know that He will. I feel it coming back to me, finally, in little drips here and there. Oh, it feels so good to hope again. I don’t know whether what I’ve been feeling is really the sin of Judas, the sin of despair, or if it’s simply been an inability to get excited and let myself make my heart vulnerable again. All the time, I was mentally aware that God will do what is best for us, no matter what. I think it was just hard to convince my heart of the fact that what’s best for us still might be biological children.
Lent offers us the opportunity to renew ourselves spiritually, to intentionally reconnect to the magnitude of Our Lord’s great Sacrifice on the Cross in order to more fully experience the joyful hope that is Easter. So this Lent, I am throwing down the gauntlet. Whatever it takes for me to regain that hope, I’m going to do it. I’m going to fight for hope the way I would fight for a child or fight to live. If it means writing more (which I hope it will,) then I’ll do that. If it means just trying to rest and allow myself to not feel so guilty about not writing, then that’s what’ll happen. Because nothing matters more than renewing this hope. God can make anything happen, this I know. And He may still choose to make this happen.
P.S. Please forgive the lack of editing in this post–I was afraid that if I didn’t publish right away, I’d never get to it. Gotta get stuff done! 😉